framework

Validation refers to the process of communicating to another person that their emotions, thoughts, and behaviors are important and they matter. Validation doesn’t mean agreeing or approving. In fact, it conveys that a relationship is important and solid – even when two parties disagree. Dialectic Behavioral Therapy (DBT) identifies six methods of validation that a practitioner can employ with a client, ranging from validation level (VL) 1 through 6, increasing sequentially in difficulty....

Many of us are familiar with the political horse trading that’s part and parcel of the modern romantic relationship. We do Thankgiving with your parents, and Christmas with mine. I take the dog to the groomers, you mow the lawn this week. This kind of trading is an example of an exchange norm in a relationship. In academic papers, an exchange norm is typically contrasted with a communal norm. The exchange norm, while sometimes very convenient, may not be optimal....

The ability to express your frustrations in a mutually non-triggering way is a core skill in relationships. In this post, I’m doing a high-level comparison of three models for interpersonal communication that I’ve come across: Marshall Rosenberg’s Non-Violent Communication (NVC) model as presented in the book by the same name, Nate and Kaley Klemp’s Reveal and Request (R&R) model explained in their book The 80/80 Marriage, and the Situation-Behavior-Impact (SBI) model developed by the Center for Creative Leadership....

On her wedding day, Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that she was given this sage piece of advice by her mother-in-law: “In every good marriage, it helps sometimes to be a little deaf.” (And I would add, a little forgetful!) But no matter how deaf – or forgetful – we may be, transgressions big and small are part of any meaningful long-term relationship. And consequently, the ability to apologize for these transgressions is a vitally important skill for relational wellness....

In his book Wired for Love, therapist and clinician Stan Tatkin introduces the notion of a couple bubble, which is a “mutually constructed membrane, cocoon, or womb, that holds the couple together and protects each partner from outside elements.” It’s essentially a safe zone for the partners, buttressed upon an agreement to put the relationship ahead of other life priorities – a mutual pact to put each other’s well-being, self-esteem and distress relief first – as well a shared vision of relationship, and a concordant approach to navigating life together....

If you don’t prioritize your life, someone else will. - Greg McKeown If everything is important, then nothing is important. If everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority. - Garr Reynolds Deciding what not to do is as important as deciding what to do - Steve Jobs We’ve all heard the above sayings, or some version of them. Yet in our culture where “beehive activity is a large part of the human condition,” it’s easy to convince ourselves that we can keep all the balls in the air and somehow make it all work....

The text Intimate Relationships by Thomas Bradbury and Benjamin Karney at UCLA’s Marriage and Close Relationships Lab distinguishes among different types of social relationships: Interdependent relationship: A relationship in which the behavior of each participant affects the other. Interdependence is the defining characteristic of any social relationship. Personal relationship: An interdependent relationship in which the partners consider each other special and unique, rather than as member of a generic category (e....

Relational well-being is based on two pillars: foundational virtues and functional relational skills. Firstly, you want to select a partner based on foundational virtues. These include other-oriented empathy and self-awareness. While these aren’t set in stone, a weekend training workshop will not instill these virtues and abilities. You have to choose a partner who demonstrates them already in daily practice. Second, a life partner requires functional relational skills, or the salient behaviors and strategies of good partnership....